Parenting: NickMom Style

I have the most beautiful, precious, little angels. They’re the most well behaved and perfect toddlers on Earth. I never yell at them, they never scoop poop out of their own diapers, and they’ve definitely never EVER embarrassed me in public. I’ve never plopped my kids down in front of the TV to watch hours of Nickelodeon while I nap work. Oh and having them 9 months apart was not only planned, it was my dream. Back to back pregnancies is the most fantastic experience a mother could have.

HA!

I’m not delusional. I think mothers that make ludicrous statements like those above are either on drugs or they don’t live with their kids. When my kids head to their dad’s house, I always have the warmest and fuzziest of feelings about them. I think of how cute they are and how nice it is to cuddle up with them.

But then they come home, and I’m back to the reality of how much raising toddlers really sucks.

I remember getting pregnant with my oldest, Nahla, and reading about how to raise those perfect little angels. Count to 10 before reacting to their misbehavior, talk to them with a firm yet gentle voice, and constantly praising them.

HA!

Ain’t nobody got time for that.

As much as I want to be Mother of the Year and all that jazz, I’d rather just make it through the day without losing my cool and raising non-jerkface children.

My kids are toddlers and they’ve begun inquiring about their little private parts. I don’t want to be that mom that teaches her kids what a penis and vagina are when they’re like 2.. because no. Just, no.

So we’ve taken to calling Nahla’s private part a cookie and Jaden, naturally, has a cookie stick. I thought cookie would be cute enough and ambiguous enough to work.

But now Nahla is 3 years old, and she’s talking more and doing things. You know, as kids start to age they really do start saying the darndest things. Well, Nahla has taken to not only constantly talking about her “cookie” but also slapping it.

I’m not sure how this started. But remember those books that always talked about that “positive reinforcement” you needed to give your kids? Well every time Nahla slaps her cookie, I can’t help but laugh, which she interprets as a good thing and just goes to town with her cookie slapping.

At home, it’s hilarious and only a little weird. In public… at the gym… in front of a bunch of parents, other kids, and the employees… it’s hilarious but completely mortifying.

If you mention the word “cookie” to Nahla she does one of two things: she either requests a cookie (to eat) OR she promptly spreads her legs, squats, and begins rapidly slapping her “cookie” while laughing hysterically.

The last time we were at the gym, she chose option number 2. Let’s get an idea of what this particular scene looked like…

Now imagine her doing this in front of about 20 sets of judging eyes. And you know what’s the worst part? I started cracking up. So they weren’t just judging my weird child for slapping the hell out of her cookie, but they were also glaring at me as if to solidify the fact that I will never earn one of those precious “Mother of the Year” nominations. But whatevs, being #MotherFunny is way better anyway.

I can’t wait for my monsters to keep growing up and saying/doing weird things. As I write this post, my daughter is explaining to her grandma that she’s wearing a “panty liner” not a “candy liner!” Now, don’t ask why my 3 year old is wearing a pantyliner in the first place, that’s a story for another day.

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There wasn’t enough Jaden in this post, so enjoy this short but comical video I’ve titled “The Escape”