Formula Isn’t Failure

I remember giving birth to my little Nahla in November of 2010… it was a long, messy, arduous task but I was happy once it was finally over and I had my baby girl. She was perfect (still is, of course!). I was 21 and a brand new mommy. It was terrifying and challenging but I readily stepped up and became a full-time mommy.

I ran into many issues in those first few weeks. Baby girl was losing weight and I felt like I was failing because of my lack of success with nursing. I can’t describe how terrible I felt knowing that I wasn’t going to be able to give my child the best start possible. I tried and tried and tried. And cried and cried and cried. Because it just wasn’t working. I never really got a milk supply. It just never came in. I didn’t swell or get any bigger. Actually, throughout my entire pregnancy there was never any change in the size of my chest. Post-birth, still no change.

I was so unhappy knowing that I wasn’t giving my child the best. Breast is best and all that, right? I felt angry at people who so selfishly do not even attempt nursing because they think it’ll be too painful. I was PISSED and seriously self-loathing. But… I eventually accepted that nursing wasn’t going to happen for me. I accepted that Enfamil would have to do that job for me. It wasn’t my plan but it was the next best thing.

Fast forward to January 2011… and BAM! pregnant again. This time, I wanted to be ready. I didn’t research breast feeding with Nahla because I thought it would just happen. I didn’t think it would be such a struggle. This time, though, I wanted to be ready.

Jaden was born in August 2011 and I was ready for him. As soon as he was born, we tried nursing. Jaden, unlike Nahla, wasn’t too good at latching on. Also, unlike Nahla, he was HUNGRY. At 16 months, he’s a 35lb monster… he was born with a big ol’ appetite. So, nursing was a huge issue, again.

Before leaving the hospital this time I met with the lactation consultants a few times. They recommended Yogi Nursing Tea 3x daily, 12 Fenugreek capsules daily, and eating and drinking from a special diet. I rented out an awesome breast pump and went home thinking I would have success.

You should’ve seen my kitchen counter. It looked like I had a serious Rx problem. Between all the supplements and vitamins I was taking 20 pills a day. I was drinking copious amounts of that funky tea and I was on a strict diet. I was pumping 10x daily, which is pretty freaking hard when you have a 9m old and a newborn and you’re home alone all day. But guess what…? It didn’t matter. I had a slight increase in milk from the first time with Nahla, but it didn’t matter because it wasn’t nearly enough. Jaden was hungry. And he was SCREAMING all the time because he never had enough. The most I ever pumped in a day was about 3oz. And that was tough!

I was in pain. I was tired. I was depressed. I never felt ‘full’. I reeked of maple syrup (fenugreek and the tea have that little side effect). I felt like a failure all over again because after many doctor visits, I was forced to put him on formula.

All together, I tried for about 3 weeks with each of them. I tried. I tried so hard. I cried. I researched. I cried some more. And ultimately, I gave up. It just wasn’t going to happen for me. Researching usually made me feel like crap, anyway. There are a lot of people online who think that women who don’t nurse their children are terrible people. Like, HELLO, it’s not that easy for all of us.

Today, my kids are 2 years old and 16 months old. They are healthy. They get the occasional cold but they aren’t overly prone to sickness. They are both developmentally ahead of their ages and physically in good health. Formula hasn’t ruined them. It was damn expensive but it didn’t ruin me either.

The purpose behind this post is to share my experience of failing at nursing, not failing as a mother. I recently read a post over at The Horrible Housewife about her troubles with nursing, due to health issues, and I related to her. When mothers are trying to shove Breast is Best down everyones throats they should realize that not breastfeeding, isn’t always someone’s choice. We don’t need to made to feel like failures because we didn’t do what’s “best” for our kids.

If you’re able to breastfeed, think twice before selfishly going with formula for your children. But if you’re not able to breastfeed, know that you’re not alone. You’re not a failure. You’re not any less of a mother and your kids aren’t going to shrivel up and widdle away.

And hey, having your child babysat is super duper easy when they are on formula! And if you have Irish Twins like me, formula is a life saver. Because as it turns out, 9 month olds don’t like to wait around and be patient while you nurse their newborn brother. 🙂